a perspective on the adoptee experience

Truth.

Don’t Tell Me What To Do…and Other Things I Think

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A freeing article on the Lost Daughters blog

This article was posted yesterday by Rebecca Hawkes on Lost Daughters:

Free-Falling Into the Baby Rage Zone: Another Adoptee Epiphany

Rebecca writes: “I am angry because they didn’t fight for me.  I am angry that they didn’t rise up and rage against the system that was tearing us apart.  I’m angry that they didn’t realize what was truly being lost until it was too late.  I am angry that they allowed themselves to be tricked into believing it would all be okay.  Because it wasn’t and it never will be.  Not entirely.”

I nod in agreement with her.  I am not her mother, but I am that mother.  I am one of those parents.  As painful as it may be for me to face that, something in me is relieved at the truth of it, relieved that a person who grew up adopted summoned the courage to speak the truth of it and bring it to light.

I nod in acknowledgment and agreement with everything she has written in this article.  The truth may hurt, but the hurt places can only have the real possibility of healing when the light is shined on it.  It only does increasingly more damage when left to fester isolated in the dark.  Thank you, Rebecca, for being brave enough to face the truth and bring it to light.  I honor your courage and your pain and your willingness to go where most everyone is afraid to let you go because it could possibly bring into question their own choices.  I don’t have to tell you it’s alright because it just is…all right!

A truth that can’t be run from!

I’ve never thought of it this way, and I’ve never heard it put this way before, but, by gosh, she is so right:  Force Of Nature (!!!)

There are so many first mothers (the ones who were mothers first to their children before an adoptive parent stepped in) that inspire me and help me keep my eye on the prize: which is no families torn apart by adoption when it really is not what is truly needed.  Adoption is not the answer when it is merely a desperate grasp for some kind of help with an overwhelming – but very temporary – dilemma, which is what I have found the case to be with most of the first mothers I’ve come across.  Our responsibility is to do all we can to get to the heart of what’s motivating this mom to relinquish her child and terminate her parental rights and to make absolutely certain that it is not a temporary set of circumstances that have caused mothers to opt for such a drastic measure.

Speaking from experience, when one wakes up and realizes that one is stuck between a rock and a hard place, it is natural for one’s confidence to be shaken.  Shoot, one’s whole world is rocking and reeling, and there seems to be nowhere to turn for answers!  Add the complication of absolutely crazy hormonal fluctuations and the extreme vulnerability that a mother’s changing body forces her to face, and she becomes the most ripe candidate for exploitation – right up there with small children!  And, frankly, the more adoption stories I hear and come across, they only solidify my conclusion that adoption is nothing more than exploitation in its most brash and insidious form.

An International Adoptee’s Persective and activism

A beautiful soul and a beautiful life.  I absolutely LOVE what this woman brings to adoption!  Guest Blog Post – An interview with JaeRan Kim – an internationally adopted adult.  Her adoption blog site is: Harlow’s Monkey.  Great reading and resources!!

In other news, I responded to a Craig’s list ad in Hawaii: we a spare bedroom.  Super creepy, right?  Well, here is the response I emailed to the persons taking out the ad:

If you are not planning on including the mom in the upbringing of your child, you are perpetuating a real problem.  The deep, dark (emphasis on dark) world of adoption, the secrecy have lifelong negative impacts.  I am a birth mother who has become an activist as a result of getting to know other adoptees and the damage it does to the soul.  I hope you will look into this, and look long and hard before you willingly accept another woman’s child and lock her out.  The biological link that begins in the womb is a lot of what a developing child counts on for making sense of our world.  When that biological link is severed, the effects can be very profound…and not necessarily in a good way.  Please do more research and seriously think about what you are asking of other human beings.

Thank you,
(and I did provide my first and last name in the signature of the message, but, since I have not met my son yet, I am choosing to keep this blog site anonymous for reasons I may yet explain in future entries).

 

Who knows if they will listen, but at least it was said.

Link

I Own It; Making Mistakes, Accepting Responsibility and Regret

I have browsed through a little bit of literature on adoption through the years.  It’s hard to make myself read – or it was.  Part of what made it hard was not really hearing my voice.  I wasn’t a teenager whisked away in the dark of night to a home for unwed mothers with my child whisked away as soon as he came out of the womb never to be seen or heard from in my life ever again.  I called myself being completely in control of every aspect.  I’ve been re-thinking that recently, though.  I called myself being the antithesis of a victim of circumstance, but, really, I was just lapping up the Kool Aid like everybody else who got hoodwinked out of our parental rights by the lies floating around about what a wonderful “alternative” adoption is to the “tragedy” of unplanned pregnancy.  I called myself breaking the cycle of the “negative pattern” of single motherhood, but, really, the signs seem to be pointing to my having been just another cog in the wheel perpetuating an even more insidious cycle.

It is liberating to hear someone say what I should have said years ago…I may be quoting this blogger a lot.  Thanks C.  You are a lovely voice in the cause of healing the old wounds.  ❤