We met, face to face, yesterday!! There have been many happy occasions in life since the birth of my son, but nothing quite like the moment of his birth and the reuniting after so many years apart. No matter the cause of the loss, nothing can fill the hole of a lost child like having that child back in one’s presence once again. Nothing. And every happy occasion until that reconnection is established always has the shadow of awareness that a beloved family member is absent. That never, ever goes away.
It’s a very rare gift indeed to have the possibility of seeing one’s child again after any kind of separation, and an indescribable gift when that possibility becomes a reality. That is something that many parents do not get, and I do not take that fact lightly or in any way for granted. My baby is back, and the broken pieces of that part of me are already starting to mend. It’s beyond astounding and compare!
We spent several hours in each others’ company, starting with lunch and ending with parting company from my mother’s little apartment in her independent living facility. It was so amazing getting to say to someone, this is my son, (name omitted, for now). After doing that for the first time, I said to him, ‘I hope that’s okay to say,’ and he said, “It’s the truth.”
His thoughtfulness and maturity stun me – in the best possible way! I couldn’t be happier and prouder of who he is, not to one little nth of a degree.
The one thing that I have always wanted him to know, from day one of the knowledge of his existence, is that he was absolutely, without any exceptions, wanted. It has been my biggest source of anguish for the entirety of his life that he would ever, for one moment, have to grapple with that. I finally got to tell him, and I hope like everything in the entirety of universes that he knows how real that is. Every moment of every part of my existence since he came to be has been consumed with how real that is for me.
This morning when I woke up, I didn’t feel that empty place, for the first time in over 24 years. It was next to impossible not to grieve for all of the pain and difficulty he has experienced in his life and for all of the years I missed being there with and for him. But this grieving is different. There is at least a sense of wholeness and hope that comes with this kind of grieving. I have missed him so!! He’s a grown man, with a full beard, but he will always be my baby, and I simply cannot help that. Neither can he. And I really hope that it’s okay for him, and, if it’s not, I hope he gets there someday.
My baby is back! And he’s okay! I so want him to be okay! He handled everything so well. Everything about everything about yesterday with him amazes me. I wish that he could see through my eyes how much in awe of him I am.
I could gush on and on… and maybe I will. Just for now, I’ll leave it here.
Wow. Just, wow!