a conversation with Kate

I have thought about the similarities in Solomon’s first test of rulership as the king of Israel and how it so completely relates to adoption many times and have wanted to talk about it, so I’m finally doing so.

Earlier today, my friend and fellow first mother, Kate Dahlquist, posted Claudia’s recent article on open adoptions gone wrong, and I (Carol Sherman, wink, wink, Kate) decided to chime in.

Here is Claudia’s article:

A Typical “Open” Adoption

Promises of Contact Broken Reveal Intentional Lies
A Guest Post by Amy Payne-Hanley


And this is what Kate said when she posted Claudia’s article on her facebook:

Kate Dahlquist’s postscript to the article: “This is a guest post by my friend, Amy, on my friend Claudia’s blog.  Both of these women are amazing ladies who I consider to be my sisters.  Amy’s story is very parallel to what I have experienced – especially the last part where the APs interfere with attempts to reconnect and threaten the adoptee – which is one of the cruelest and most heartless things an AP can do, IMO.  And BELIEVE me, we worry terribly about how this effects our children.  Our stories are NOT uncommon.  We were promised that they wouldn’t be like this.”

And here is how the conversation went:

Carol Sherman – I’ve been wanting to do a piece about Solomon, the 3rd king of Israel’s, first challenge because it applies very much to adoption.  2 women, harlots, the Bible calls them, had babies at around the same time.  One woman’s baby died, so she stole the other woman’s then a flight arose between the 2 over the baby.  They took it all the way to the king.  The king ordered that the baby be cut in half and one half given to one, another half given to the other.  With the woman who stole the baby, that was fine, as long as she could have the baby.  The REAL mother said, “No. It’s okay.  Let her have the baby.”  She’d rather someone else have the baby than see him/her come to harm.  The wisdom of Solomon is that a real mother would only care, in the end, about the true well-being of the child.  Parents who can close a promised adoption are just like that harlot who was perfectly satisfied to see the baby she stole cut in half – IMO, of course.

Kate Dahlquist – I totally agree.  I’ve often thought the same.

Carol – In fact, it begs the question about adoption that is not of a truly orphaned, truly abandoned child who is already born and has no one.  It begs the question: anyone who could, in all good conscience, take a child from his/her mother, especially so soon after birth, should our ways and laws follow the wisdom of Solomon?  That is the question I ask of this current world.

Carol (on a roll, here) – I too dream of the day when we look back at the horror of it as appalled as we (finally) did with slavery in this country and the subsequent inequality in the treatment of those who were freed.  But, then, we “Europeans” are still negotiating with our past when it comes to the treatment of Native Americans…we’re still too busy enjoying their resources to fully concede to that horror…so, there you have it.  It could go either way.  And it really depends on us, perhaps.

Kate – Preach it, Sister!!!

Carol – 😀

I’m laughed there because it’s either laugh or cry.  Where, oh, where has the wisdom of Solomon gone???


8 thoughts on “a conversation with Kate

  1. How can a woman take a newborn away from her broken-hearted mother? If adoptive parents really loved their children, wouldn’t they want to spare the children the pain of losing their mothers? How can you claim to love someone you’ve hurt so much? When my A mom says she loves me, I never feel it’s true. How can it be, when she didn’t even let me speak of my loss? I’m 50 years old, and it still cuts like a knife.

    • That’s exactly why many of us are starting to speak up. The current trend started in an era of ignorance and forced birthmothers and our children into a closet of secrecy and shame. I didn’t realize that newborns could experience trauma and feel loss – much less that they would carry it with them the rest of their lives and that they would grow up with the elephant in the room that no one would acknowledge or let them talk about. Marylee, I’m am so very sorry for your loss and confusion and pain.

    • I was reading one of those Kool-Aid drinking lectures about the proper use of Positive Adoption Language and why and how we should all employ it. There was one bit about how you should not call an adoptee unwanted because that’s not true; rather, the “birthmother” wanted what was best for them and made an adoption plan to find them their forever family. Some tripe like that, anyway. And I stopped cold. “Wait a minute,” I thought. “You KNEW the baby was wanted… and you adopted them ANYWAY? What the HELL?”

      How do you want to hurt a complete stranger like that? What kind of a sociopath do you have to be?

      The lecturer was a Montessori teacher too. I don’t see how.

      • There is no moving on from adoption, and there is no making sense of it. Adoptive and biological families alike have all been drinking from the same bowl…

        That’s why I speak up and speak out now that I lived to tell about it: “Hey, that sugary drink with the pretty color, there…yeah, that one. IT’S POISON! IT WILL KILL YOU!

  2. So much to think about in this post…

    “It begs the question: anyone who could, in all good conscience, take a child from his/her mother, especially so soon after birth, should our ways and laws follow the wisdom of Solomon?”

    This question immediately brought to mind graphic I saw on Twitter that Rebecca Hawkes (one my favorite fellow adult adoptees) posted, one that has haunted me ever since, because it gets at something that I didn’t realize bothered me so much: It is a chart listing the average age at which it is considered acceptable to permanently separate child from mother for different sorts of mammals (http://twitpic.com/ce4var).

    Imagine my surprise and delight in realizing that it’s Kate’s own (collaborative) work!

    Also, this: “You KNEW the baby was wanted… and you adopted them ANYWAY? What the HELL?”

    • Thanks so much for your comment! 🙂

      I love Kate!!!

      And I know exactly the photo with the chart that you are referring to…reeeeally gets one thinking!!

      Hard, hard questions…that I really hope people begin asking in the future before deciding what kind of adoption they will pursue.

  3. Oh that chart gave me the shivers- why if we don’t seperate animals at birth do we insist it’s ok to do so to infants? This is a wonderful article and like you ladies, I adore kate!

  4. great comment dana!
    what? i’m bleeding here! lol do you know they don’t care. hey i have money here, now that will get some attention.
    and i think the popularity of solomon is he was able to figure out who the guilty Woman was!

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