I know that is the truth! And I can say it unashamed today.
As a result of having survived to get to this point, I am aware that everything about me, everything about my life has no choice but to change, and I’m taking on the challenge of change and letting it touch every part of my life.
I know that my relationship with God has to change. I cannot go back, and I cannot be what I was before. In the transitional period of letting myself feel the things I wouldn’t let myself feel too much before, God was, once again, the parent, and I was, once again, the child, and a bit of a wayward one at that. And as the parent/child dynamic sometimes unfolds, I have been doing that dance of, ‘I’m pissed as HELL at You for the way that my life turned out…(but I really, really need You…like never, ever before). One thing I have learned through the years, my God can handle it. And as the process has unfolded and the anger has begun to subside, some, the acknowledgement of my need has started to emerge a little more, I have been humbling myself again and letting myself reach out into the unseen again, and I’ve been met with the same love and acceptance that, actually, never left me – no matter how much of a fight I put up and no matter how vehemently I kicked and pushed and tried to distance myself from it because I was just so pissed and was hurting so gravely. I know this willingness to reach out is a good thing, and I’m glad to be in the place of willingness once again.
My relationship with my husband also has to change. I have been initiating some intense conversations about giving up on children and recently had a breakthrough there. It is a bitter pill to swallow, and I am asking my man to at least really think about the magnitude of what he is asking of me in giving that up. There is only one thing that I have wanted consistently to do with my life ever since I was a little girl, and that is be a mom. My husband is a rare and precious gem, truly gift from above, an expression of divine love. He met me where I was and really became present, and I know his love for me even deeper than I did before. And, for now, his love is enough. It is salve to the wounds. And you know what? It’s a help, and I’ll take it!
For years after I relinquished my child, I didn’t know how I would survive if I ever really let go and allowed the magnitude of the loss sink in. And as a result of going there, I’m learning how one survives. One just does because there is, after all, a will to – even when one wishes there wasn’t and wants nothing more than to throw that will away. And, so, I am surviving. And I am grateful and relieved to be surviving. And if it all folds up and comes to an end tomorrow, I am truly glad to have come through this to the point I can say I am a survivor. And it is by grace…amazing, amazing grace, sweet grace.