You’re only as sick as your secrets. I first heard this statement in addiction recovery and was thinking about it earlier in the evening and decided it was time to confront the fear that haunts me absolutely to the bone: What if my son hates me for what I did? Of course, how I am tempted to answer this question is, he has a right to it, and, he cannot hate me anymore than I hate myself for it.
I decided to bring that deep, dark secret out of the dank place it’s been hiding and bring it to air out in the light. So I asked my husband, ‘What if he hates me?’ He answered, “I’m sure he doesn’t hate you. It’s just going to take time.” And you know what? Right then and there I knew this about what my husband was saying: I believe him. And it was liberating to hear it. His answer had a ring of truth to it that I needed to hear more than I could even know or have any objectivity to see.
I still cry every day, sometimes several times a day. But since I started this blog and started bringing all these secrets to the surface, the tears don’t feel like they are coming from a place of destruction as much any more, or like they’re going to drown me, but, rather, the tears are starting to feel like healing is coming with them. This is a change. I know this blog has been hard to read for many who know me and who’ve loved me. Even though it’s hard, it is doing some good. It’s helping me climb out of this dark place I’ve been in with it all.
All sucking it up and putting on a brave face ever did for me was lead me down a road of ever-increasing anger. It’s not worth it. Is it fun to have to come clean and tell people I’m not as together as I tried to present myself to be? No. But I’m not doing myself or anyone else any favors by trying to keep it together when, clearly, I’ve been falling apart for so long. I am what I am, I’ve done what I’ve done, and all I can do about it is be honest, be open, stop giving the toxins a free ride, and give myself with complete abandon to the very, very uncomfortable but necessary process of change.