We live in an imperfect world with no perfect answers. I don’t actually believe I have the answers to the hard questions surrounding adoption. What I do have is eyes and ears, and the stories I hear of traumatized birth mothers are much like my own, and the songs and dances we ask of our children who are adopted are irrational and unreasonable. What I feel is there has to be a better way for mothers and for children. If adoption must be then there has to be a more humane way to handle it than what has come to be accepted and deemed acceptable, there has to be! What has come to be accepted is unacceptable.
Being a birth mother is not the sum total of who I am. The grieving, the injustice, the anger, the self-doubt, all of what I have expressed on this site thus far is not the space I occupy all the time. I do laugh. I do smile, and I know that my smile comes from a genuine place. I have a husband of nearly 2 years who is very much a bright spot in my life. I love to garden. I love to be in nature. I love children and am no longer afraid of loving children (it took a few years…). I love animals. I have a dog. She is an 8-pound wonder! I passionate about the environment and alternative medicine. I am musically and otherwise artistically inclined, but I lack focus and commitment. I don’t want to be pigeonholed into being just one thing: a musician, a painter, a sculptor, etc. (leastwise, that’s my excuse, and, gosh-darnit, I’m sticking to it!).
I am a person of faith. I have been on a journey of following Christ Jesus for 18 years and have been through a great many things with that as well. It has been a joyful and rewarding journey, but it has not always been an easy one, and it has not been without trouble; it has not been without pain. I have listened to many sermons and many admonitions to rise above all these circumstances. I have listened in earnest to how I, as a believer in Christ, should be, think, feel, and behave. To try and live up to it has left me feeling, to be very honest, pretty inadequate.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to be this, or supposed to be that, all these things I’ve heard: whatever the “who’s who in the Christian zoo” happens to be by whose ever authority it is to say I should be this or be that. That said, I have decided that, at this juncture of my journey, it seems the most spiritual thing I can do is allow myself to be a human being. That doesn’t mean I give myself license to go out and participate in some kind of crazy, stupid sin. It’s not even close to being about that. It just means that when it’s time to feel what I’m feeling, I let myself feel that instead of putting on a brave face. It means finding my way to being what I am meant to be by looking to the One who sought me out and loved me unflinchingly when I needed it most.
Right now, what I am is a mother grieving over being separated from her child. It doesn’t matter that it was self-imposed. I am learning to live with what is and process what circumstances have dictated I avoid until now. My wish is to be reunited with my child. For that to have a fighting chance of potentially transitioning to forming a relationship with my son, these things of my state of humanity must be dealt now with lest they betray me at inopportune moments and sabotage whatever chance or chances I may have of getting to know him.