Fears

There is nothing I want more at this point in my life than to reconnect with my son.  So much so, the fear of losing him when he finds out the real deal about me is starting to dissipate, and the desire just to see him is starting to take over.

I suppose my biggest fear of meeting him has been of not living up to whatever fantasy creature he has conjured me to be in his developing mind through the years.  When I start to think of who he might want and/or expect me to be I immediately feel hopelessly inadequate, like I won’t measure up.  I’m afraid he will be disappointed.

But something in me that runs much deeper must know that the mother-child bond is able to transcend all that or I wouldn’t have wanted to be a mother to him for 5 days before relinquishing.  I wanted something of me to remain with him so that he would somehow know that I really always wanted him.  Those 5 days were the most wonderful days of my life.  And I was completely free of worry about what might happen to us.  I knew that no matter what dark paths lie ahead for me, he was going to be alright.  I suspect that if that little ray of light that came in for those 5 days hadn’t been there I wouldn’t be here to write these things now…

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